be my Pan

Today I was crying 
for no reason 
like every season
I miss you
For your smile
for your hand
drives me crazy
to Neverland

Today i was smiling
for no reason
like every season
it is you...
Feeling you beside
I have every right
suddenly decide
I want my Neverland....

Payment of past

I see you when you are gone,
I hear you now when you are silent. 
Nature loves me and in her hands I die... 
but my love is forever 
and forgiveness is part of me. 
Howl and I will hear your pain. 
Water is silently ripping rocks 
and you cant hear their screams... 
but I can. Why did you betray me?
 Its still in my soul... 
the pain the never-ending pain...
 tears and fear. 
To trust to feel...
overwhelming never-ending dreams. 
You will be alone 
I have many
 but the hole you made 
cant be filled by millions. 
Am I me or did you make me different?
Who is me? 
I was you and you took part of me, 
ate it and spitted it out. 
Walking away is what you showed
but I am staying 
i forgive you all... get out of my head

Dream of you

I was locked up in hospital and some guy *doctor* came around looking for some patients he can try some experimental treatment. I was sitting there alone crying in my white robe and messy hair. he came to me and something was so familiar about him. he had sooo nice long hair and his assistant was a young boy looking at me smiling and and nodding his head.. yes this one sir .. this one ...
The Doctor came to me and said - Call me James- he gave his hand and grabbed mine and I followed.. I was alone.. the only patient they chosen following him in the dark night through lighten up Virginia streets. All wet after rain and I remember stone walls. At one building with only one red metal door ( like some factory door) he met up with this woman. She said hi to him and he and his assistant went inside. I was standing little bit further and as I approach the door she slammed it into my face.. oh are you invited ? who are you- she said... Then James opened that door called my name and I entered... -Here -James said- take this- and he put a dusty old coat over me. his apartment was much lager from inside then it looked from outside. all this colors perfectly fitting and flowing into each other all this fantasy machines I have no idea what they were for. It was like steampunk rainbow unicorn vomited there. James was there smiling at me and next to him his assistant but now it was young girl rough and tough hopping around him preparing some kind of surprise. I looked down and I was not dressed in hospital clothes but nice medieval dress . James took me by hand and we walked through the wall into this amazing world / reality/ secret...
its fantasia dear. its real magic is real all you can imagine is real. many people can feel it like you but never saw it. As I was looking around the realm was shady blue with lots of light flowing through.
Not much color ha- said James- well give it a time. I was shocked surprised and speechless. its real - I remember repeating to myself in soft voice- its real i am not crazy. Many question were answered in following days. There is a force / in this world changing shapes. it gives everybody true reflection of himself. thats why james didn't change, thats why I wasn't patient anymore, thats why young assistant boy was actually girl in this world.
we spend days browsing this world adding color into it. days turned in months and month in first year ...One day I forgot about my illness and about hospital. I was lying on James chest looking into his green / blue eyes ..
- James is there an evil in this world ? I have the feeling this is too perfect for me. the moment said so the sky went dark and blackish shadow came flying on us. I was not afraid James was holding my hand. Sweety there is as much evil as you let it be. You still didn't realize this is your world ? I would never let anybody stay for this long on first time. But you have magic within you and I felt in love with that. i felt in love with you. Jamese`s eyes was sparkling and his smile cleared the sky again. But we cant stay here forever. James assistant, her name was Lidy, sadly took my other hand and they both pushed confused me through the wall back to his apartment. James took my coat and I was standing there again with my hospital robe and messy hair. His eyes were beautiful but sad. its time to go- he said... he touched my cheek kissed me and let his assistant ( now again young boy) drive me back to the hospital.. As we approached i remembered all the horrors and the reason why i am there. but it was only few hours after we left...
I was mental institute for unstable people. but James said I will see him again. he promised. Next day I was new person. smiling and I was calm to my doctors and I was calmed down... i could not wait till James come back for me... and i saw him coming that evening but he walked pass me.. Choose another two people to go with him.. as he was walking by his eyes was red and full of tears. I stood there broken and scared... whats happening ? our eyes met in the air and he said ..I am sorry dear I love you. I didn't know if that was a reason why he didn't take me or apology but it didn't mater. I went back to my bead crying silently repeating words - Its real... its real... its real... all of it it real...
And I woke up with tears i my eyes in my real life in my bed. It was the saddest dream of my life...